


this is me trying (and maybe I don't quite know what to say)

by AnderiM



Category: Happiest Season (2020)
Genre: A little angst, F/F, but also cute, mostly harper thinking about abby and how much she loves her and how much she fucked up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-10 00:41:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,283
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27735505
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnderiM/pseuds/AnderiM
Summary: Loving Abby was the easy part.---A little reflection on Harper's attitudes during the movie.
Relationships: Harper Caldwell/Abby Holland
Comments: 11
Kudos: 139





	this is me trying (and maybe I don't quite know what to say)

**Author's Note:**

> Decided to write this piece on Harper's perspective because I got mad people vilanize her instead of understanding the difficult position she was in. So yeah. Enjoy!

Loving Abby was the easy part.

Of course being away from her parents in Pittsburgh, having the opportunity of being a proud out lesbian, walking hand in hand with another woman, kissing, making out even, it was easy too. But being with Abby… there was no comparison.

You met her at a party of mutual friends, on a night where you decided to come out just because Sloane was flashing again on Instagram her picture perfect family. And you knew you could never give your parents that; even if you got married and had kids, it would not be with a  _ man _ , it wouldn’t be  _ enough _ , and okay, now it was time for a drink. You called your friend asking for the address and the next thing you knew…

Abby.

She was nice and she was funny and so awkward at times that you couldn't help but want to kiss her. But you didn't do that, not on the first meeting. Not even on the first date. You wanted her to  _ like _ you, not just be attracted to you, even though you were very attracted to her and was eager to know what her lips tasted like. Probably sweet, just like her.

At the end of your third date, you took her home and led her to her door, even though you didn't want to go back to your Abby-less apartment. You looked at her, with her back to her building door. Her green eyes sparkled in the moonlight. You wanted to say something to prolong your time with her, but the words didn't come to mind. She was also looking at you, more specifically at your mouth. And you thought at that moment that it would be just the easiest thing to kiss her.

So you did. And it was just as sweet as you imagined it, but also tender, and soft, and hot, and you wanted more. In the end, you didn't come back to your apartment that night.

Unlike your first kiss, it didn't take long for you to ask her to be your girlfriend. In fact, you did it on the same day you first kissed her, and for some people that may seem quite impulsive, but you knew it was not. You just felt then and there that you loved her, and that was it.

She was the first one to say I love you, a month after. It came as a surprise to you, because, even though it was very easy for you - to date her, to be with her, to love her -, you had never considered the idea that she might feel the same way. You hoped you could be for her what she was for you, even though you knew that there were things hanging that you couldn't bring yourself to resolve.

Your family.

They didn't know easy and simple and love just for love. And you didn't know at which point you resolved to separate yourself completely from them to be the person you knew you were, but since college you don't remember being actually sincere with them. Because you couldn't talk about how much you missed Riley, how Connor was nice but not for you, so then what was the point? You just talked about your classes and internships, and now you talked about your job. 

So they didn't know about Abby. Big deal.

Because somehow you knew that, besides the girl part, there was also the sense of love you never got from your parents and certainly not from your big sister, the kind of love that wasn't conditional, the kind of love that Abby gave you. Joining these two worlds would certainly complicate things and clash very different ideals. So you just avoided it.

Abby moved in with your after six months of relationship. Her toothbrush was besides your toothbrush, her clothes on the closet, and you woke up everyday with her besides you, her arm above your stomach, her chest to you back, her being the big spoon despite you being the taller one. You just fit like that. Easily.

Not to say you didn't have your desagrements and even fights, because you did. Abby was sometimes too focused on her PhD to do the dishes and you had a habit of forgetting your towel above the bed. But it was never serious and you never went to sleep angry, because in the end everything was superfluous compared to the love you two had.

You always had on the back of your mind that it wouldn't last. You had too much of your traumas in you to just spend your life without them affecting you. But when you spiraled thinking about that, you said to yourself, "not yet". It had not happened yet, you had not burdened Abby with anything yet. You would deal with that when the time came. And who knows? Maybe everything would be okay.

But it happened sooner than you thought. On an impulse you asked Abby to come home with you for Christmas, because she just looked so beautiful on that snowy night after an adrenaline rush and you couldn't help yourself. And she said yes so soon, and she kissed you with such love, and the next morning you tried to dissuade her but she was so  _ excited _ , and being with her was so easy and it made you so happy that sometimes you forgot yourself. And your family. Your dad.

You knew it would break her and you did it anyway. You told her about still being in the closet a few miles from your parents house, so she didn't have time to prepare - as well as one could prepare themselves for such a thing. You didn’t do enough to help her. 

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? At the end of the day, you didn't do much of anything. You didn't make your parents acknowledge her as more than a casual friend. You didn't convince your mom to let Abby stay in your room with you. You didn't reject Connor right away, you didn't even talk with Riley in the way she deserved, you didn't stop Sloane from getting inside your head.

So yes, if you were to lose Abby… you deserved it. Because she was right, you were hiding her. Even if that was part of the hiding yourself part, she was involved in that. You were so caught up in your feelings of shame that you didn't consider hers. Your love for her was so obvious to yourself that you never thought that she would doubt it. And now you would be without her and it was entirely your fault. 

So you would try one last time, even if it came to nothing. You had to try, to compensate for all the other times you didn’t. Because it was Abby, it was her, and her laugh and her smile and her eyes, and her piled up dishes and her all-nighters writing her thesis, and if it was not her it would not, could not, be anyone else. 

So you would try. And this time it would certainly not be easy. But you had to do it. And hope for the best.

  
  
  


_ And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound _

_ It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you _

_ You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town _

_ And I just wanted you to know that this is me trying _

_ (And maybe I don't quite know what to say) _

_ I just wanted you to know that this is me trying _

_ At least I'm trying _

**Author's Note:**

> It's been 10 years since I last wrote fanfiction, so it's kinda awkward to be back. But I'm also really excited that, like, this movie inspired me enough for me to write again. Hope you guys like it! If you have any suggestions about future stories, please feel free to comment!


End file.
